The Anatomy of a woman’s magazine

I was forced to receive a virus of the common cold a few days ago by staying in the vicinity of someone who had it too. This resulted in coming down with it too, and I was confined to my house for a couple of days, the tyranny of which ended just day before.

For some reason unexplained to me, just like this one “why people don’t like himesh reshamaya, he makes groovy, sexy songs”, I picked up a copy of Femina, which my mom subscribes, and started browsing through it. I remember earlier, a lot earlier when I was very young, when I say very young I mean like 7^th, 8^th, 9^th , I used to sneakily read the letters sent to “sexy query” and “home problems” in it.

Every month I used to anxiously wait for the subscribed copy, just to go get amazed and enjoy reading peoples sexual and domestic problems. This act was also replicated by a lot of my young friends in their respective homes. Some had the luxury of Femina, while others had to do with cheaper substitutes like Women’s Era. Though the content and the “knowledge” derived were still the same.

Can you imagine the first time I saw a cosmopolitan what was raging in my mind!! “Oh my God.. Almost naked girl on the cover, this means more raunchier and open letters, more dark secrets revealed, more dirty sex related questions”

This time it was the “Short Stories”, which grabbed my attention. Of course I must confess, reading the letters was as much fun not as it was earlier, but peoples sexual and domestic problems have their own course and after a certain point of time, keep on repeating themselves in different ways. Coming back to the short stories. They were not any of these. Imaginative, creative, humorous, exciting, and other adjectives which you associate with a short story. And that’s why I got hooked on to them, just to find out one good one. I went thought all the older issues, fortunately my mom had saved them, till some time back in the attice, as long as Femina used to use “Times New Roman” as their font on the cover.

I switched magazines, I sneaked out of the house un-noticed and got a dozen other ones including good housekeeping, womens era, and lots of others, names which I can’t recall. The stories didn’t change much. It’s the same writes who prowl on different magazines. In this whole process I ended up reading so many of these magazines that I can myself start a new one and be the editor. So here are some tips of beginners who want to start such a magazine. It’s very easy, don’t worry.

The Anatomy of a Woman’s magazine

Or

All the stuff you ever needed for a woman’s magazine.

1. You NEED to have a few pages of recipes with photos of good looking things to eat. No-one tries them out, because no-one reads them. But you cannot do without recipes in your magazine.

2. There has to be one survey. Examples can be “How selfish are you” or “How man crazy are you” or “Are you really into him” or “How good in bed are you”, or “ will both of you stay faithful” etc.... you get the idea. Everyone knows that the results are baseless, but still they like to do them.

3. The letters of course. The different heading should be.

1. Family matters – or something to that effect
2. Sex Queries – or something to that effect
3. Skin query – ditto
4. Use your imagination
5. Use your imagination

The answers to these letters should be idiotic, neurotic and should scare the hell out of the poor reader.

4. One article on dieting, exercises and healthy food. Thrown in would be some snaps of a big bum and a small bum with a before and after tag. Heading can be “Idiot proof dieting”, “From fat to thin……the ultimate journey”, “You are not FAT……just big boned and here’s how you reduce the bones”

5. A review of a book written by a female author.

6. A small interview of a good looking guy, he need not be famous. Good looking is the only criteria, with as many snaps of him as possible.

7. One article on relationships. Like “Love him! but can you live with him”, or “The mind of a married man…and what we found therein”, or “Does your spouse irritate you” or “Have career, NEED a man ? Should you let papa find a match” or “The morning after your divorce…..cleaning up your life”, or “Friends – Get one it’s good for you”…..you get the idea.

8. An article on sex. Eg “Say NO to SEX, learn your ABC”, or “Are you really that good in bead, as you think you are….here are some tips”, or “Sex at work…..the ultimate high” or “Does size really matter”…..you get the idea.

9. One short storyJ, with a random image or a snap which does not make any sense.

10. One article giving make up tips. Headings can be “From bhootney to Britney in 5 minutes” or “Make up tips for mamas who look like dadis” or just put a picture of a gay applying make-up on some girl and everyone’s bound to read it.

11. Most of your ad space will be taken by garnier, lakme, loreal, fair and lovely, fairever, lux, Revlon, Himalayas, platinum, de beers, etc..

12. There will be some pages with snaps of models in funny and stupid clothes, sponsored by a designer or if not you yourself will have to put them. You have to have a modern outlook you see, so you need snaps women wearing stupid flowery clothes which don’t match at all. Wearing hair bandanas and looking in different directions.

13. The Cover – Bold headings of the articles inside with a nice looking lady posing.

Done your magazine is ready to be out. If you have any more ideas pls feel free to comment !